You might be reading this in search of wisdom from a career goddess with a perfect business casual track record but unfortunately there is something I must confess; I am not a perfect professional human. Yes it’s true, I make career blunders, and in the last month or so I made a somewhat painful career faux pas. That’s right, the person writing to you about how to do well in your career sometimes doesn’t do so well in her career. But hey, that’s how we learn, right?
So, here’s the situation – I lost my temper at work. You read it right, despite all my years of learning, realizing, growing and maturing, I still found a way to lose control of my emotions in the workplace. And I didn’t just lose my temper to anyone, I lost my temper with the head of my department.
You see, my manager said this thing and it doesn’t even matter what the thing was because all that matters was that I disagreed… strongly. As soon as the conversation was over, I began drafting my apology. I don’t know what came over me, but I for some reason was quite passionate about my stance and I let my emotions get the best of me.
So I wrote an apology letter to my manager and lucky enough, I was forgiven. To be honest, I’m not even sure that the altercation registered any emotions in this leader, as he seemed more focused on some other (likely more important) work conversations. Anyhow, most importantly, I was forgiven and was reminded that losing your cool at work is never a good thing (unless you’re fighting for something noble like justice or freedom).
In my next check-in with my manager about a week later, I brought up the conversation once again and reiterated my apology. He was very gracious and said that he appreciated my concern and we should consider it water under the bridge. Then, he asked if he could offer me some advice.
Now let’s sidebar quick. Generally speaking, when people ask if they can offer advice, I take a deep breath and prepare my face so that it does not unintentionally eye roll, recoil or look upset in any way. Receiving unsolicited advice can sometimes suck, but let me tell you a little secret, there are some people out there in the professional universe who you should absolutely take advice from, and my manager was definitely one of those people. So I swallowed my pride and buckled in for my career lesson.
My manager proceeded to tell me a story about a certain management training he attended when he was preparing for his first director-level position. He said that a group of trainees were flown to New York and were put through many intense training sessions, though there was one that stuck out in his mind vividly.
In this one training, each trainee had to go to a podium and hold a press conference wherein they would each get verbally beaten to a pulp. There were mock reporters asking ridiculously aggressive questions, and at times there were boos resounding from the audience. My manager, being the humble individual that he is, admitted that he failed this exercise with flying colors. He said he became flustered, defensive, and shaky – which are not the traits that inspire confidence in a leader.
The intention of his training exercise was to test whether trainees could be unflappable in even the most adverse conditions. Could they keep their cool? Could they answer logically? Could they give the hard answer even though it might lead to disappointment? Apparently, my manager could not. He admitted that he had become defensive, stuttered his words, and became visibly tense and upset, which is a huge problem for any person that is trying to convey some semblance of competency.
My manager then looked at me and said that as I become more senior in my career, it is important to learn to be unflappable.
un·flap·pa·ble
/ˌənˈflapəb(ə)l/
adjectiveINFORMAL: (1) having or showing calmness in a crisis.
“I prided myself on being unflappable even in the most chaotic circumstances”
Having or showing calmness in a crisis. Such a simple description and yet it sparked a lightbulb for me that I believe will guide me throughout the rest of my career. Immediately when I read this description, I envisage a powerful woman at the crux of a challenging public decision. I picture her stoic presence and her brilliant mind calculating every logical outcome before making the call. I can picture reporters poking microphones in her face, waiting desperately for the delivery of a dramatic conclusion. I see her empowered, strong, and determined mind influencing the entire world with her pragmatic, intelligent and unflappable judgment.
So yes, in short, a lot comes to mind when I think of an unflappable woman, and unfortunately, I could immediately diagnose that I was not part of the unflappable club. When people disagree with me I often am quick to anger and slow to back down, which is the worst way to coherently argue your point. It’s particularly frustrating because in the heat of the moment I completely lose my senses, and then as soon as the moment is over I realize how I should have reacted. So, after my conversation with my manager, I determined that instead of becoming flustered at the faintest sign of a disagreement, it was crucial for me to approach challenging situations with poise, grace, and unflappability.
I searched for a bit online, yearning for some superhero that I could model my unflappability off of, and I found the perfect heroine. She is notorious. She is tiny. She is a badass. She is smart. She is RBG – Ruth Bader Ginsberg – who is not only a wonderfully impressive and game changing woman, but she also has got to be one of the most unflappable women in herstory.
RBG is a supreme court justice who has been met with more than her fair share of hostility, particularly from men who sat on the supreme court prior to her tenure. There were some cases in which she would lay out a beautiful and eloquent argument for equal rights, and one of the judges would respond with a tactless joke, diminishing not only RBG’s argument, but diminishing her worth as a human being.
Though Ruth was met with this disagreement and hostility on many occasions, she remained unflappable consistently throughout her entire career. At many points Ruth was asked how she deals with disrespectful or just dissenting remarks, and her response is always something like this:
Never [respond] with anger, as my mother always told me. That would be self defeating.
As I watch more and more video footage of RBG, it’s clear that she lives by these words. She never responds with a temper no matter how ludicrous or aggressive her opponent’s arguments may be. In fact, she seems to always take in people’s comments and chew on them for a few moments before formulating her responses. She genuinely thinks through what has been said, takes a moment to determine how she feels about that person’s statement, and then strategically lays out a coherent and calm response that clearly articulates her point.
This is true unflappability, and you know what? It works.
She has had countless successes in the court of law, bringing unimaginable numbers of men to her side of the table, and, the most wonderful thing about RBG is that she makes other women realize that they can do it too. All women can be unflappable, and that unflappability might just be the one of the elusive keys to success.
So after doing some research on unflappability techniques and testing them out in the workplace, I have found three concrete tips that help me become more unflappable, and hopefully will help you too.
- Take a deep breath after hearing a disagreement.
This technique of taking a deep breath before blurting out the first thought that comes to mind is really at its core a form of mindfulness. It’s taking that extra moment to internalize and process before letting emotions take the steering wheel. Some of the most impressive and admirable public figures take an extended pause before answering a question or replying to a dissenter, and that extra moment gives them time to think through all facets of the situation. It empowers you to lead your response with logic rather than emotion. I personally challenge myself to take one deep inhale and exhale before answering a complex question or conversation point, which is a good amount of time for me to level my head and think through the situation.
- Spend a moment thinking through the other side of things.
People generally become “flappable” when there are differing opinions and both parties are passionate about where they stand. Now from what I have seen thus far in my life, the most unflappable people generally admit when they are wrong (which is extremely cool by the way). Being right is easy, being wrong and humble is a challenging art. So take a moment to actually listen to the other side. Are they making a good point? Are they making you rethink your argument?
- Formulate a teaching moment.
Let’s go back to RBG for a minute. In addition to RBG saying that she never responds to challenges with anger, she also said that she uses those moments of pushback as teaching moments. She understands that people don’t get where she is coming from, so rather than become upset, it is much more advantageous to make like a professor and create a lesson that could teach people to think like her. It is much easier said than done, and I’m not sure I have mastered it yet, though it is something that I aspire to do in future opportunities.
One More Caveat
So these steps all would have helped me in my moment of flappability, and if I carry them forward with me, I am confident that I can earn the respect of many more of my professional colleagues. These techniques are not easy, but they are important, particularly for women, which brings me to my next point.
In nearly all cases I’ve seen, being unflappable is more important for women than it is for men. That’s right, it’s another sneaky form of subtle sexism that plagues the workplace. You see, when men get fired up during a discussion, they are often viewed as passionate and assertive leaders. People often listen to the impassioned man because he is not afraid of dissenters, and he is confident in his stance.
Now on the contrary, when women become spirited in the workplace, they are generally written off completely, coming off as unhinged, imbalanced, and out of control. It’s a bizarre phenomenon that has impacted many fervent women in the workplace including myself.
So what are we ladies going to do about it? Well, first of all, we will be more unflappable than our male counterparts. It isn’t fair, and I desperately hope that this is not the case in perpetuity, but it is a reality that I have come to understand in the professional world. Next thing we need to do is empower other women to voice their opinions in the workplace. We must become so unflappable that we make it to the very top and can mentor other women to be unflappable badass women too. That is the future of women in the workplace, but I’m afraid at this point, we are still paving that road.
But, before we let desperation sink in like sea water in the sand, I think it’s important to think of our heroines that have preceded us. So with that, as I really should be doing in all of my pieces, let’s conclude with some perfect RBG quotes (who can say all of this much more eloquently than I):
“Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time.”
“Don’t be distracted by emotions like anger, envy, resentment. These just zap energy and waste time.”
“Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.”
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