I am sad

Last night, I found myself awake for hours, overwhelmed with complete anxiety. My mind was racing, I felt uneasy, and I couldn’t shut anything off. As I tried to work through the origin of these emotions, I realized there was something I have been internally struggling with so for a while.

I am sad.

I….. am so sad. I am so sad it’s overwhelming at times to function, to focus, or to even put into words why. So I’m going to work through it with you guys.

I’m so sad for our current climate; the excessive racism we’re seeing every single day and the lives lost because of it. I am sad for families in African American communities who have been subjected to such hate and hostility for centuries. I am sad there’s been so many instances like George Floyd’s death, yet nothing has changed. I am so sad that social media is filled with narratives like, “wait till you hear the whole story” and “we only see what one person caught on video, there must be another side to the story.”

I am sad at the amount of insensitivity and privilege being displayed everyday. I am sad that white women are off their fucking rockers. I am sad that our social media pages are being swarmed with stories of people spitting in the faces of essential workers for not being able to sit where they they’d like or shop how they want. I am sad that so many people think they are above the rules and regulations set in place to keep us safe. I am sad that some feel so strongly that their liberties are more important than the liberties of others. I am sad that a hair cut is more important than the death of a human. I am sad for every single person who had to say goodbye to a loved one from a far.

I am sad for nurses and doctors who spend their days caring for those fallen ill to the virus and other health reasons that have to watch the complete lack of awareness from others who so publicly claim they don’t care.

I am so sad that people, despite what science and experts tell us, continue to not take this seriously. I am so sad for people being shamed for wearing masks in public. I am sad for people being looked at differently for not wanting to go back into society, even if their states permit it. I am sad for the lives of one hundred thousands that are being politicized and turned into conspiracy theories.

I am sad that many people are suffering financially, emotionally and physically. I am sad that I, among millions, are out of work. I am sad for those who have yet to receive unemployment due to the infrastructure of our country. I am sad for those who have hefty mortgages, bills, and children to take care of and are left to pick up the pieces. I am sad for mothers and fathers, who on top of everything else, are now full time educators.

I am sad for every single person who struggles with mental health issues. I am sad that depression takes its tole on us when we isolate and distance ourselves from the world, even if that’s what the current times calls for. I am sad for those who wake up everyday with suicidal thoughts and for those who are quarantined with people who may not have their best interest in mind.

I am sad for newly graduated college students who will face even harder circumstances when entering the work force.

I am sad for the minor league families and players in the Oakland A’s organization who have recently been told they are not worth $400 a week and are left to still be baseball players with no income since August 2019. I am sad for other minor leaguers who may be hearing the same news in the coming days. I am sad that there will not be a minor league season and the opportunity for so many to chase their dreams will be put on hold for another year.

I am sad for the possibility that if we don’t figure our shit out and learn how to be empathetic human beings, these things will only get worse. I am scared that if we care more about the liberties of our bank accounts and our assault rifles, we will continue to see unnecessary deaths, and inexcusable actions. I am sad for the future of this country. I am sad for the future of the world.

I am sad that this is our new normal, but above all else, I am embarrassed. I’m embarrassed at the lack of compassion instilled in us. There is an extreme lack of empathy, but yet an outsource of apathy being displayed every day and it is embarrassing. And if you’re not embarrassed to wake up every day and be okay with the way things are happening, I suggest you do some soul searching.

I don’t care if these thoughts align with a liberal agenda. I don’t care if you unfollow me on social media or label me by what you think my political affiliation is. I don’t care because I’m too busy caring about how to turn this around, how to be a more compassionate and humbled human being, and how to live every single day with kindness.

To be honest, none of this has anything to do with politics. It has to do with being a good fucking person.

After all, if you don’t stand for something – you quite literally do not stand for anything at all.